Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Love me. Love me more. More. More. More! Damn you over did it, bye!" - Women

   What do you mean you don't want to have sex? You smiled at me and everything.

   Our relationship is so special we will not cheapen or desecrate it by putting it all over Facebook.

   Yes, I'm mad. Yes, I know I have no right to be. Yes, I'm overreacting. No, I don't know exactly what I'm mad at. - Women.

   If I wasn't supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn't have made it taste so good with orange juice

   Dear Customer Service, I'm happy to inform you I've written this whole email with my middle fingers. _|_

   I want my hour of sleep back.

   You know who your true friends are when they call you at 3AM just to tell you they love you and that their drunk. . .

   At my funeral, I want you guys to read my jokes... That way, everyone feels a little bit better about me being dead.

   Justin Beiber hates being told she's talented, and I can sympathize... I hate being told she's talented, too.

   Trust me on this one. Ever notice when first meeting a woman the first thing she does is size up a mans crotch. . .

   Can someone please unfriend me ? My friend count is on an uneven number and it is making me anxious.

   To My Future Wife: When I die, I want you to mix my ashes in a bowl of chili, then eat it. Just so I can tear that ass up one more time.

   Adult gummy Melatonin: because while fat, drunk and stupid might be the American norm, fat, drunk, stupid and sleep deprived is unacceptable.

   A woman who was shopping at my store today called me a "Living Doll"..okay she actually called me Chucky, but.....

   A zombie friend of mine entered the NY city marathon,,, And if you MUST know,,, Yes, He came in dead-last

   If someone mistakenly Ass dials you then technically it's considered a booty call.

   Please lets stop making stupid people famous and financing their stupid lifestyles.

   I'm amazed at the high cost of meat lately. I went to the grocery store to buy a beef roast but sadly discovered that they don't have lay away.

   “Friendzoned“ should be a relationship status on Facebook.