Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This weekend, I forgot to set the thermostat ahead on my clock,,,, Mine's still set for winter...

   Think outside the box and live in the moment.

   If I've been renting space in anyone's head, can I have my deposit back with interest. . .

   When we're chatting on fb, and I start saying things like, "well, okay", "gotta run", "have a great day", it was great talking to you"...what that means is: SHUT THE F**K UP ALREADY!

   An old Indian Chief was asked if they had Daylight Savings Time on the reservation. The old man replied "Only whyte man dumb enough to thing he can cut off the bottom of a blanket, sew it on the other end and think he has a longer blanket."

   I think guys are not telling their women how beautiful and gorgeous they are often enough, otherwise how do you explain these countless selfies with self-aggrandizing captions.

   A restraining order against morning people.

   The best part about daylight savings is that the clock in my car is correct again.

   I don’t care what people think but women with tattoos are very sexy. Also women who have a heartbeat and women without d*cks are very sexy too.

   How do you honestly expect to make it in this cutthroat world carrying a useless brain like yours?

   Putting "it's complicated" as your relationship status on Facebook is saying "I f*ck this person sometimes and I'm pretty hurt about it"

   Sorry I shot you in the face with a tampon. In my defense, you were acting like a giant v*gina.

   Two blondes walk into a bar. You'd think the second would've seen it.

   People tend to hurry up at the ATM if you stand behind them with an erection. Just saying.

   You had me at "I'm married but..."

   I am all for recycling but not when it comes to lovers.

   I don't always hate Monday, but when I do it's usually the Monday after the Spring Daylight Savings Time change.

   And for my next trick, I will turn your panties into ankle warmers.

   Could schizophrenia be just a permanent high burnt in the brain from smoking too much? So permanent high?

   You had me at "I can't have children."