Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Those who think they don't have a good face, should master Adobe Photoshop

   I just shook my keyboard upside down... Breakfast is served.

   I'm not totally useless. I can be used as a bad example.

   going to convince my neighbours that I've installed a sauna by going to my shed in a dressing gown...

   does getting a girlfriend mean I have to wear pants everyday because I'm not ready for that type of commitment

   Ladies; If your cat dont like him he aint da one.

   On a scale of P0rn hub to The Notebook, how romantic are you?

   I don't care what President, beef jerky flavor, fruit, car, drink, beer, boat, pop tart, or actor I am supposed to be. I am me, that should be enough....

   The passengers of flight 370 shouldn't trust Jacob...

   just realised why my day has been full of people unable to express what they want, failing to consider anyone other than themselves and with unrealistic expectations. Happy International Women’s Day everyone.

   Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil...

   Does anyone realize the people running the planet are ruining the planet, or is it just me. . .

   Calling it his "junk" is probably the least sexy thing a guy could do...

   Who remembers when a quarter was worth 12 dollars. I could buy a pack of cigarettes, a can of Pepsi and a bag of chips for a quarter. . .

   I give up on life when I picked up this girls phone and saw my contact name as FREE FOOD.

   When a guy calls you hot, he is looking at your body. When a guy calls you pretty, he is looking at your face. When a guy calls you beautiful, he is looking at your heart. All three guys still wanna fuc& you, though.

   Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks back and change batteries in smoke alarms.

   I think it's cute how they call those little wimpy squeeze balls "Stress Balls". Because everyone knows if it were truly a "Stress Ball" it would made of solid concrete or cast metal. (So you could throw it at whatever stresses you out)

   I felt sad for this poor guy dressed as The Statue of Liberty in front of Liberty Tax Service...At least he doesn't have it as bad as the Lil' Caesars Pizza Girl. She has to stand there on the roadside holding a sign that says "HOT AND READY 5 DOLLARS!"

   They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.