Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just want to alternate between napping and eating all day everyday while getting attention, so basically I just wish I were a dog.

   Knock knock! Who's there? Daisy! Daisy, who? Daisy me rollin, they hatin.

   When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.

   I replaced hating everything with Justin Beiber. . .

   I hear there is a job opening at the Bit-coin Company.

   The best part about a vacation to England is that my wife won't need to adjust her driving.

   I've joined the National Exaggerators Club, 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 members and growing.

   Yes it's unseaonally cold. But let's keep in mind those people in Niamey that are currently dealing with a 99 degree temperature.

   I was watching what I thought was a documentary on Hindu Gods; they featured that strange one that looks like a bizarre elephant. Turns out it was a Rosie O'Donnell interview.

   I wonder what Rick Astley is going to give up for Lent?

   I wonder who vodka helped me insult last night.

   What if they make a movie about Leo’s life and how he couldn’t win an Oscar, and the dude who plays Leo wins an Oscar…AWKWARD!

   Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: No idea, I'm not black.

   Spelling is not my best subject but I'm great at meth

   I want to be the reason you cry when you see a happy couple.

   If you're looking for me to be more tasteful and tender, marinate me in whiskey.

   I'm married, but not "pass up the opportunity to sleep with Scarlett Johansson" married. Or Jessica Alba Or Beyonce. Or Jennifer Aniston...

   I have to admit my heart broke a little when I heard the lady at Starbucks call the guy in line behind me "sweetie" too.

   Wish there were more love songs about naps and liqour.

   Don't blame me for your issues. Your seat on the crazy train was reserved long before you met me.