Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It appears Vladimir Putin has shoved the "reset" button up Hillary's Ukraine.

   Ladies, if your man compliments you on your new hairdo. You've a girlfriend.

   I look at people sometimes and think, "for real? That's the sperm that won??

   I've been trying and trying yet so far no luck. I can't seem to get MapQuest to pull up a shortcut to Friday.

   Hey CHOP, try spelling lessons for lent. . .

   So I am making a bean/corn salad/salsa recipe and it askes for ground cummin. I'm like... uh, eww and then I'm like well I have it and it's free but exactly how do you grind it?

   Sleep is like sex, you never get enough of it and sometimes it feels like it never happened at all.

   What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? I wouldn't pay $200 to have a lentil on my face.

   forget Mardi Gras....for me every Tuesday is a fat Tuesday

   Men, if you had your choice between brains or b0obs, which cup size do you prefer?

   It's like my wife didn't even TRY to clean the house while I went out to play poker... I mean, how am I supposed to live like this?

   A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.

   So many girls are in a relationship with single guys.

   I can't honestly think of one funny p0st you have ever contributed here.

   Props to Rahm Emanuel for doing the Polar Plunge.....now it's time for him to do the Pothole Plunge

   I gave up organized religion for lent a long time ago...

   Why do people insist on riding your front bumper going to work? Yeah, like they are going to get to where they're going any faster....

   I'm beginning to think that my destiny in life is just to be a bad example that other people can learn from.

   For lent I'm giving up sex, wait I'm not catholic. Whoa, that was close

   Speaking of lent some of you mofos owe me money