Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it never ceases toamqze me. You see someone who is friends with you on FB and they act like they dont even know you. Consider yourself un-friended Eminem.

   What do you call a blond wearing a brunette wig? Artificial Intelligence.

   It's Monday. I'm refreshed and ready to hate my Job

   Jesus: The Truth and Way...Cheeses: The Curds and Whey.

   In case anyone was wondering.....I'm wearing Hanes by Target, and a black t-shirt by BC Cotton (with a bacon grease stain on it) #redcarpet

   I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood 40 years!

   Did Jesus Christ just win 'Best Supporting Actor' at the Academy Awards?

   That was Samuel Jackson's first ever public appearance without saying "mother$ucker"

   I think the Oscars would be a lot more interesting if they had a "Best Nip Slip" category... or "Best Back Burger."

   And the Oscar goes to Cheek implants and Botox...

   I want to become a social media terrorist and take down facebook, myspace, twitter, and instagram. 95% of the people in this country would be in shambles and actually have to interact with real people again...

   X Tonight marks the 86th Consecutive Anniversary of me not watching the Oscars

   My friend came over today and left his new laptop on the damn floor. My dad not knowing how old fashion he is thought it was a scale. Conclusion: My dad weighs 980.34$ dollars.

   Hang on, rest of the world suffering from real crises. We're busy picking which humans are best at pretending to be other humans.

   Got a call from the IRS this morning, the lady asked me why I sent a condom in with my taxes, I said I figured if I am getting f%ck%d, might as well be safe about it.....

   Dear Monday, Back Off, I will Cut You

   So I finally had chicken noodle soup with a soda on the side. And I must say, it was not everything I was hoping for.

   Guys I think we need to go out more coz we are running out of material here for crying out loud!!

   Tell her you'll change. B*tches love change. Just ask Obama.

   Girls that are 16 and pregnant may look stupid now.. But their kids will move out when they are 34.