Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's nothing wrong with living under a rock, as long as there's wifi..

   Jesus needs your money, but send it to me. ~ False Prophets.

   People who say "I'll sleep when I'm dead" must not understand the concept of sleeping.

   Alcohol helps to remove the stress, the bra and many other problems !!!

   Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plan school shootings.

   I'm white, but I'm not "Carlton from Fresh Prince of Bel Air" white.

   Side effects of telling your wife to get a grip may include throat bruising or testicular swelling.

   The best part about going to Wal-Mart is having the book aisles all to yourself.

   I was pîssëd when I found my wife's profile on a dating site. That lying bî†ch isn’t "fun to be around."

   ßî†chës be trippin.. OK, I may have pushed a few.

   It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

   Every Steven Seagal movie is 90 minutes of me looking for the remote to change the damn channel.

   The French have announced they've sent a peace keeping force to Ukraine. They've managed to secure the city of Chernobyl without any resistance.

   I find it quite ironic that the most dangerous thing about weed is getting caught with it.

   I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching 'Night at the Roxbury.' "Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?"

   There hasn't been anything fûnný here since before al gore was born and the internet was 2 typewriters connected by string.

   Sometimes the fact that bacon exists is enough.

   I tried on a Trojan Magnum...its really hard to breathe in those things.

   I wonder if Sarah Jessica Parker auditioned for the lead role in "War Horse"?

   I put the "fun" in "functioning alcoholic"