Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you heard it from a friend, who heard it from a friend, who heard it from another, then that information might of come from the same person that was in that REO Speedwagon song.

   If you're fighting for bum sex, you probably can't even spell the name a disease or bad microbe.

   Why buy sex when you can lease it in a relationship. . .

   What sense of getting parrot and not teaching it to say. Hello, it's me Jimmy Hoffa, I was turned into a parrot send help...

   When I was young I was taught to fear and hate the devil. Now that I'm older and know better, His name is BeeR

   What's the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.

   If Spiderman ever had to fight Black Widow, who would win?

   Men that make their women laugh get lots of sex - Science

   The only benefit to getting up early is being the a$$hole who tells everyone how early he got up.

   You've just got to assume that Kanye makes Kim wear mirrored sunglasses during the sex.

   Of course you're sorry, you got caught.

   There are 2 types of people. Ones I like and everyone else.

   When it comes to a recipe for a disaster, some people thrive on being the main ingredient.

   Buy her a time machine, because women love bringing up the past.

   It’s all fun & games until feelings & emotions get involved then it becomes life.

   I know it's a classy establishment when they quietly ask me to leave.

   Damn it. I missed the number of the day on Sesame Street and now I don't know how many pills to take.

   Sometimes I wake up and just know I'm going to need bail money.

   If the shoe fits, shove it up your ass

   Enough with the chit chat.. its time to hit that