Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   when i'm real stressed i'll scream into a pillow, but I have a memory foam pillow and while I sleep it remembers

   They are saying that Ukraine might split into two nations...It's gonna be called "2Krainez"....T.R.U. story

   Before I lose my phone, end up naked, high, drunk and possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Friday

   there is a drug available to cure homosexuality... Cyanide

   Yes, I'm in a complicated relationship. Trying to decide which hand to use makes things more difficult than you can imagine.

   Be careful of those who pat you on the back. They might be looking for a soft spot to plant the knife.

   Back in my day, Recess was where they sent us out to a rusty death trap circus,, and now people can't eat gluten.

   Please stop calling me a "cracker." The correct term in "Saltine-American."

   I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.

   I'm not ignoring you any more or less than you're ignoring me. . .

   @ 300 X 365 that is 109,500 a year. I am determined to get one million people on my block list. That will take me 10 years. Now hiring. . .

   I would rather be known in life as a honest sinner than as a lying hypocrite.

   go to google translate select language German to German and paste this pv zk pv pv zk pv zk kz zk pv pv pv zk pv zk zk pzk pzk pvzkpkzvpvzk kkkkkk bsch select the audio translation....

   Think I'll move to Russia, it will save me shipping and handing on mail order Russian bride. . .

   You can save alot more than 15% on your car insurance, simply by pulling in to reverse and fleeing the scene.

   Let's start a charity where we give cats to people who say goodnight to social networking sites.

   If the zombie apocalypse ever happens I'm just going to surround my house with outward facing treadmills... I should be fine.

   Facebook bought Whats up for 19 billion dollars ... Mr.Zuckerberg, you could have downloaded it for freee !!

   I love those people who can make me laugh during those moments when I feel like I can’t even smile.

   That funny moment when you are checking yourself out in the window of another car and realize there’s someone inside.