Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only time you will see Ameriscans bow heads....is when the CANADIAN national anthem is playing!

   Just replaced the cat litter with 44 packages of pop rocks. And now we wait....

   The big movies right now in theaters are Robocop, Endless Love, and About Last Night. I feel like it's the end of the 80s all over again.

   Another epic rematch coming up. The US vs Canada in men's Olympic hockey. The loser gets to keep Justin Beiber!

   @cpaman1981: Easter is on April 20th this year or as in the folks in Colorado and Washington call it, Sunday

   When we go shopping, my wife thinks that I am bored because I look at my phone.

   One of the rare feelings of happiness in this world is not to feel your stalker's existence.

   The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.

   If a girl is really beautiful I end up complimenting her like I’m 5. You’re pretty. I like your hair. Neat shoes. Are you a princess? Hi.

   Saying the word “awkward” in an awkward situation only makes it more awkward. Especially if you sing it

   Anything I say or do before i've had my coffee doesn't count.

   To those who have recently unfriended me on Facebook, Kudos to you for uncovering the fact that our friendshipwas just a ploy to have sex with your sister.

   Wifey just text to say she's landed and is looking forward to a romantic dinner and some lovin' tonight. Wonder where she's going?

   Screw coffee, I want whatever this happy singing bird is on. Times three.

   Hey fellas what's that called when your wife wakes up horny? Never. It's called never.

   Look lady, if you don't want me staring at your ass in public, let's go back to my place.

   My dentist just spent an hour in my mouth. So I get it girls, I get it.

   Hey negative people; The only thing I want negative in my life are pregnancy tests.

   Beer vs Women: Beer would never put you in the friend zone (unless you can't afford it, oh wait same with women).

   Girl you should sell hot dogs, because you know how to make a wiener stand.