Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's that time of the night again where I pick one of you lucky ladies selfies to jerk off to before I cry myself to sleep..

   When God closes a door, I open a beer.

   Just realized that with all this ice lately, technically I'm walking on water too, so take that Jesus!

   Shout out to the guy in drive thru who went against the man, and gave me THREE packets of Ketchup for my large fries.

   D*ck Head is Back , Great time to take few days off till someone blocks him again.

   Stop being retarded losers leave haha alone, I think hes funny!!

   It sucks when you wanna throw a brick at someone's face, but you can't, because you don't have a brick.

   I could be an Olympics commentator because I'm good at pointing and saying, "You can tell she wants it."

   Girls spend 20 minutes eating dinner and 40 figuring out who owes what.

   My favorite Facebook photo of your baby is easily #28,614

   Can someone's face be a pet peeve?

   When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.

   My kid's new teacher asked me to describe his personality so I just videotaped me crying and taking shots of Vodka.

   There is a person out there for everyone. Your person just happens to be three cats.

   My last girlfriend wanted more excitement in our relationship so I gave her a couple of opportunities to escape the basement.

   Sadly no matter how hard you try, you can't mail a fart. Too bad though, because this would actually make paying Bills a lot more fun.

   Oh boy, we're so poor that our best enjoyable memory is someone's farting.

   Writers block I can deal

   Mashed potatoes really beg the question: “what else could we massively improve by squashing the hell out of it?”

   So red or white wine with hamburger helper?