Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bitstrips just won't go away...

   If you were inside my mind ,you could never get enough showers to EVER feel clean again !

   A part of me wants to go on a diet and eat healthy. Sadly that part of me is a liar.

   My wife says I'm a clueless idiot. I didn't even know I had a wife.

   Everyone keeps complaining about the extreme cold weather, do you know what it does to the bugs that torment you in the summer?

   Sig Sauer is a better gun than Smith & Wesson!

   Scientists discovered that an object does not really become smaller when the distance to the beholder increases.

   Lead me not into temptation. I can find it on my own.

   If you were at a Beatles tribute concert and you fell and hurt yourself, what would you yell?

   ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ HE'S GOT BOBBY COSTAS EYES ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫

   Possessio...is 9/10 of the spelling

   The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.

   Olympic athletic bring stray puppies back from Sochi... like we dont have enough here in the US...

   Nestle to recall Philly Steak and Cheese Hot Pockets because they may contain meat that was already recalled by the Department of Agraculture. Most surprisingly, however, is that Steak and Cheese Hot Pockets may actually contain meat.

   Guy, EVERYONE. Listen. I'm going to say two words that will change your lives. Pizza Tacos. I know. Just breath.

   No I don't look at ANY of my exs and ask myself "what was I thinking?" Or "was I drunk the whole time" I know exactly what I was thinking and doing.

   The retards back!

   Stop acknowledging the retard's presence. Ignore his existence.

   My salvation can be found in vodka, and very good weed.

   I can't believe I used to talk to people.