Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am woman, hear me Blah, Blah, Blah.

   I use Google Earth to see which yards have milkshakes.

   Accidently sent a naked pic to everyone in my address book. Cost me a fortune in postage!

   "You're attachment is too large," my computer tells me. I blush. "My eyes are up here," I respond coyly.

   Again with these egomaniacs, america is the entire continent, not just a country you morons, now get back on your overworked, underpaid never ending rat race to bring up the downjones so just 1% of the population gets wealthy while FOX says the opposite

   I wondered where all the herion went.

   She had me when she changed her relationship status to: DTF

   After appearing in a commercial during the Super Bowl, people are accusing Bob Dylan of selling out. Today Dylan responded by saying, "Everyone needs to calm down, have a Bud Light, and relax at a Sandals Resort."

   This Year I'm going to spend Valentine's day with my ex...... Box One

   Depression usually creeps in at the end of the football season, but this year I'll keep myself happy by viewing the highlights of Peyton Manning expressions!

   If I've learned one thing from Philip Seymour Hoffman's death, it's that someone needs to introduce Bieber to heroin.

   How does a woman carry a child in her stomach for 9 months, go through all the pain, hold it in her arms, and end up calling it laquisha

   Time is running out for me to discover the meaning of life

   I just put my left hand in the friend zone

   Only Peyton can still set Super Bowl record while team is behind a hundred points

   Not to brad but you'll probably see a special on A&E about me one day.

   I just did the Facebook movie thingy. Mine came back rated R

   I just tried to view on my Facebook (a look back) movie and had to agree that I was 18 or older before proceeding.

   I'm having a really bad hair day. All the humidity at this pool is making my hair frizzy, unmanageable, and hang outside my Speedo.

   There are ancient caveman hieroglyphics on Joan Rivers' uterine walls.