Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How come it's the flirty, married women who act all snarky jealous if you post a pic of yourself with another woman?

   Dukes of Hazzard turns 35 today. Reminds me of our government how Boss Hogg is never charged for his corrupt ways. Obama Hogg !

   If anyone lost a roll of $20 bills with a rubber band around it...... I found it, spent the money and shot the rubber band at a suspicious looking squirrel that was eyeing my Reese's Pieces.

   If there is a hell, I already know that I'm going there. So at this point of my life, it's really go big or go home.

   When I was young, I always thought that old people walk the way they do because they crapped their pants. Now that I'm older I know why. It's because they crapped their pants. 

   How is the flirty married women comment even funny. It's not, but it is an EPIC Fail !

   Three times when it is OK for a man to cry: At your father's funeral, when a heroic dog dies saving his master, and when Mr. Happy gets caught in your zipper.

   You know she is not that into you when she forgets your birthday but remember's birthday's for every member every member of One Direction and their pet dogs.

   That point in your diet when one belt hole is too tight and the next one is too loose.

   All things being equal, my way is better.

   I'd like to pretend I'm up north right now, and possess the burning desire to post: "It's snowing and it's cold!"

   That moment when your pushing the front door, when clearly the door label says pull.

   Some families are like Snickers Bars. Mostly sweet, with a few nuts!

   I hate when I wake up naked in the dumpster behind Dunkin' Donuts and I can't figure out if it's jizz or donut glaze in my eyes.

   G Strings are like regular strings except they get to snuggle in between two ass cheeks all day.

   I pondered the meaning of life once, but then I just went back to living it.

   The best part of the Grammys is not watching them.

   So, you're telling me that the Grammys aren't cute little bags of cocaine?

   Who knew Justin Bieber was old enough to have an expired license? Also, he blew .014 caused by too many gummi bears.

   You're right, vodka. This IS the perfect time to use a hammer.