Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   she said she was getting close to 40 and I ask from what side?

   Okay, admit it. You're secretly hoping Justin Bieber does his Paul Walker impersonation.

   Her: My boss treats me like his servant!! Me: I’m sorry, you deserve better. What’s for dinner?

   Well, The Captain & Tennille are getting a divorce. I guess he did that to her one too many times.

   Why do people post missing person posts on facebook? Like we're going outside...

   Chinese smog drifting east and is now covering parts of California. Yet another American icon has been outsourced.

   If your job is to follow celebrities around taking their picture, I only have one question. What keeps you from killing yourself??

   there anything more capitalist than a peanut with a top hat, cane, and monocle selling you other peanuts to eat

   Sometimes when I tag someone in a pic I whisper "you're it."

   They should of put Justn Bieber in Rikers Island prison with lifers.

   If a niqqa slap me on Vine the rest of the fight will continue on YouTube

   "for just 15 cents a day" ...*changeschannel*

   You're not the only one who's empty inside, coffee mug.

   I take great pride in the fact that I've never wasted time in playing stupid games like Candy Crush

   Lawyers do this cute little thing where they say "retainer fee" but they really mean "BJ".

   If the 'D' stands for death, then yes, my Wife REALLY wants my 'D'.

   What if there actually is one legit Nigerian millionaire prince who genuinely needs to use your bank account?

   If I were to give up Sarcasm, that would leave interpretive dance as my only means of communication.

   Has Susanne Atanus looked in a mirror? What's god punishing her for?

   Dying is Kim Kardashian's number one fear because in the spiritual world ghosts only have white d*cks.