Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In honor of MLK: I'm going to wash my whites and colors together today.....

   The Patriots defensive scheme worked almost as well as the Obamacare website.

   Western quasi-liberal obsession with 'political correctness' is sick and disgusting almost as h0m0phobia itself.

   What do the Smurfs and a Tiffany's diamond have in common? They both come in a little blue box.

   Heard Dominos is coming out with a pizza in honour of Tom Brady...one half of its covered and its called the "incomplete"...

   It's funny the only two states that legalized pot are sending their teams to the Super Bowl...I bet you won't be able to find a bag of Funyuns in the entire state of New Jersey.

   You’re like a thief tryna avoid setting off the motion lasers in a museum when you want to leave bed after a cuddle without waking her up

   Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I'm freaking out right now tell me his exact words.

   If on Superbowl Sunday, The Broncos win,, I'll shave my chest hair and glue it to the top of my head,,, If they don't, I'll wait till the day after.

   What happens when you eat pizza everyday for every meal? Asking for a ninja turtle.

   When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music, but when I do it I'm "wasted" and "have to leave Home Depot"

   adding "Clinical studies have shown" to your sentences makes you sound more intelligent.

   Canada send us Justin beiber, we send Dennis Rodman to Korea, Korea send Gungnam Psy to The world.....just funny how the world works

   OMG you guys!. I Almost hit a jogger while I was taking a selfie and driving today... So please you guys, be careful,,, do NOT jog.

   Genie: Thank you for freeing me,, I will grant you 3 wishes, what is your first?.. Me: more wishes!.. Genie: A genie can only grant 3 wishes... Me: Well then, more genies!!.. Genie: Aww, crap

   I'm not saying I can perform miracles or anything, but when the Taco Bell employee isn't looking,, I can turn water into Sprite.

   We will fight to the death for our pacifist aims

   users please proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

   In honor on MLK I'm eating Oreos

   Usually when I drink too much I start feeling like the world revolves around me.....really fast and for. Mon