Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oils are weird, like some are for babies and some are for cars, who can keep track?

   —Mom, what's for dinner? —Nothing, son. Your father studied Graphic Design.

   The battles against women are won losing.

   Coffee allows me to make bad decisions faster.

   A nal – Because some women understand a week is too long for a man to wait.

   Work is really getting in the way of me going home and drinking wine in my underwear.

   HD p0rn so clear, you can see her financial crisis.

   Tom Cruise is only a scientologist because all their urinals are at child height.

   The best way to live a miserable life is to pay attention to what other people are saying about you.

   Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.

   You think after making 58 mil last year, Bieber could buy a freakin belt.

   I had to explain the Goonies today... so I'm feeling super old and bitter.

   I think I'd be a pretty considerate cannibal, even if I were constipated I wouldn't force your hand.

   And that was the last time I confused Clorox cleaning sheets with baby wipes.

   I always wondered why cross eyed people never get hit crossing the road. Then it hit me. They are always looking both ways.

   Then there was a cannibal who passed his neighbor in the woods

   I knew my wifes cooking was getting out of hand when the flies chipped in on a screen door

   I checked out a book on time travel from the library. It's due last week.

   Thankyou, slow walking family in front of me on the foothpath, No please, take your time.... and definately spread out, so you create a barricade of idiots.

   Just when you think you've got all the answers, I change the questions.