Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One of the bigger mistake men make is thinking they have to understand what they're apologizing for.

   I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.

   I'm pro-choice on every social issue...Simply because it is none of my business how others choose to live their lives. We're only responsible on decisions we make.

   Gonna steal a bus and get these kids back to school if it's the LAST thing I do!!!

   I haven't given up hope yet. I still have a Powerball ticket at home that I haven't checked.

   You say its none of your business how someone chose to live their life hey? So its cool with you if I just decide to walk around without pants in public?

   If the lion wasn't a coward and the Scarecrow had a brain, they would have warned the Tinman that he was better off without a heart.

   I hope your favorite football team wins so that it changes your life in no way whatsoever.

   In my defense Your Honor, I thought she had been stung by a jellyfish.

   I was talking to this girl and she said she was looking for a nice guy,i guess all the a**holes are taken

   I can make your day better just by not being part of it

   I have no time for stupid people But they sure do have time for me.

   I'm taking my girl to a Psychologist/Gynecologist. Maybe he's the one who can finally help her understand why she's such a ¢unt.

   I'm shocked that Chris Christie would be involved in the blocking of a major artery.

   Ugh! Left my purse in the car and now I have to deal with the Polar Kotex!

   In my defense Your Honor, I thought she had been stung by a jellyfish.

   Being 100% Italian affords me the luxury of possessing the knowledge to stay away from Italian women.

   Anyone that starts a sentenct with "Not to brag but" is about to brag.

   It's that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions...... * Ummm, Kids,, I meant my kids

   I get it Chris Christie. Last time I puked on the carpet I blamed my cats.