Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I came, I saw, I screamed "How the hell do I get out of here?"

   Whenever I see a happy couple, smiling, giggling, feeding each other food, whispering sweet nothings, very much in love, I just wish I could give them a lie-detector test.

   Wine her, dine her, sixty-nine her.

   You know it's cold outside when you go outside and it's cold.

   It seems like the winters have gotten colder since Al Gore stopped blowing hot air about global warming. Coincidence? I think not.

   It's cold enough to freeze the balls off a pool table.

   Yay. ..Mr.Plow is here! Won't have to eat another kid.

   Don't worry, everyone is self-conscious about something. For example, you're probably concerned about that awful haircut or your ugly nose.

   I can see exactly 6 years into the future. I think that means I have 2020 vision

   you know its cold outside when you go outside and its cold

   "Oh you just laid down to relax? Well, I need you to get up and do stuff" - marriage

   Stop leaving me messages. If I ever wanted to talk to you again, I wouldn't have borrowed all that money.

   I keep writing "2015" on all my checks because I hope to have money by then.

   You know the passion is gone when you watch a whole movie together.

   If a man says you're ugly he's being mean. If a woman says you're ugly she's envious. If a little kid says you're ugly, you're ugly.

   The only government agency that listens to you is the NSA.

   Next time you are sad remember you can make a cheeseburger with donuts as the bun. Still sad? Add Sprinkles

   Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective

   I can see exactly 6 years into the future. I have 2020 vision.

   Illinois Governor Quinn has declared a state of disaster for Illinois.... It's been a disaster for a long time......