Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Look UPS chick, you can't just show up at someone's house unannounced and expect them to always have their pants on, and not to be covered in Baby Oil!!

   I got eight inches last night. The snow was pretty deep too.

   Thanks to 0bamacare, Americans can expect to earn six figure salaries in 2014. Okay, six figures if you count the decimal point, the zeroes that follow the decimal point, and the dollar sign.

   How to lose an argument with a woman. 1) Argue

   I can always tell who hates their spouse by how much they post about loving their spouse...

   Just drove by an Asian restaurant - Wok n' Roll - well played Chinese people. So crever

   Moving all my retirement funds into a Colorado snack machine franchise.

   It's been 25 years and they still aren't sure who framed Roger Rabbit. My alibi is Airtight!

   Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.

   Horton hears much better after his visit to the otolaryngologist,,, Though he could have done without the "big ears" comment.

   Hey we snowed in today, break out the corny jokees

   So far so good. haven't heard anyone use the word SWAG this year.

   Welcome to camouflage club. I can see clearly that we have a big turnout this week, which is very disappointing.

   I just had a threesome in the shower with Johnson and Johnson.

   Does anyone know when is the Cut-Off date to STOP wishing someone Happy New Years??

   Live in the moment. Unless the moment sucks. Then live on Facebook.

   I would love to send so many people on One-way trip to Mars.

   I'm not h0m0ph0bic, I love my house!

   Jeopardy: The answer is: These are the combined result of a yeast infection and itchy S.T.D. beep beep..."What are crab cakes?"

   I bet Bruce Wayne sometimes accidentally signs his credit card receipts "Batman" when he's drunk. I know I do.