Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've been thinking about walking away from everything and becoming an annoying J3W.

   Nothing shows more Christmas spirit then then Egypt, and Sudan they keep sending each other cars- that blow up! Merry Christmas You Filthy Animal!

   There are 364 days until Christmas and people already have their lights up. Unbelievable.

   I always hoped my kids wouldn't have to suffer the same things I had to. Then Michael Bolton comes back....

   Dear lady in front of me,,, it's a speed bump, not a friggin land mine

   If miley cyrus and justin beiber were drowning, and you could only save one........ What kind of sandwich would you make?

   Ya'll are welcome to try and seize the day... I gave it a whirl, but the damn thing bit me.

   The sugar high of fun dip started to not be enough. This time I added adderal to the bag. I'll let you know how it goes. 

   Caffeine is the foundation of my food pyramid.

   There are other things in life besides sex and alcohol. Those other things all suck, but they do exist, I assume.

   Why drown in love, when you can swim in lust ?

   Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.

   Dude if she was my girlfriends I would probably be drunk all the time too.

   Be sure to always chase your dreams, with as much alcohol as you can buy.

   Forgiveness is the best gift you can give, unless pizza is involved, then pizza is the best gift.

   I will try anything once, but I won't try that. Meatloaf at a salad bar, probably.

   We had a war on drugs, there were more drugs, war on terror and more terrorist, so for 2014 we need to have a war on money and jobs, it can't hurt!

   Women only! - 1st rule of Right Club.

   The bartender just brought me a glass of water....seriously? I didn't come to a bar to get sober!

   There are 364 days until Christmas and I already have my Christmas lights up and my Wife call's me a Procrastinator.