Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Merry Drunk I'm Christmas

   We all hold our hand out for help in this life. The goal should be to have your palm down more often than up.

   You better not pout, you better not cry, you better not shout I'm telling you why...we have our own problems and nobody cares about yours

   Nobody can MAKE the Yuletide gay. It's not a choice. That's how it was born.

   The only people I trust are the ones that like big butts; they can not lie

   I wish minimum wage went up as much as the price of postage stamps...

   If John Cusack ever said I did something I didn't do, I'd say "Take it easy, John Accusack!" and then I'd saunter off.

   Basically the way it works is I tell myself I'm not going to eat too much and then I eat too much.

   that face you make when you only have 1 or 2 presents & the other people around you have 10-12 :-/...then while they are still opening theirs you sit around with that f you look

   I smoke because I enjoy the smell of death.

   Love isn't real until one of you is on meds.

   Yes he's just the pizza delivery guy. But with a little chloroform & some quality time in the basement I'm positive we'll be best friends.

   Some relationships can survive only online.

   Fellas; If she has introduced you to all her friends and enemies, then she is keeping you for a while.

   I would prefer a disposable girlfriend over a reusable one.

   If you have to ask someone if you look fat, you do.

   Money is not yours until you spend it.

   I hope my liquor store is having an after Christmas sale!!

   A taser, but for when people try to talk about their feelings.

   I show people I love them by not spending time with them. It’s the best thing I can offer.