Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I got shrinkage shopping at Five Below

   I'm surprised the whiny P.C. police haven't protested "A Christmas Story" yet; after all, it's about a boy who wants a gun for Xmas.

   North Korea's fax: USA, We will attack you without warning... p.s. This fax is not a warning... p.s.s. This fax is not indicative of our technology

   OMG can you hear that? Sarah's having sex!!! lol its so loud, like ridiculous, i'm trying to work here for god's sake :)* (Accidently sent to Sarah* the girl having sex)

   It's only 5:00 PM, but I guess I better start my Christmas shopping. Liquor store, here I come.

   I'm dreaming of a white christmas.. but not listen to bing crosby and then go out and and walk around singing to strangers white.

   The restraining order doesn't mean we can't hangout. It just says I can't get within 50 ft of you. So you wanna play catch or frisbee or something?

   Reason # 65 why I hate winter: Water heater is set to 211 because the tap water is 33...

   To all those who will received a book from me as a Christmas present this year....They are due back at the library in 2 days.

   Sitting here with Paula Deen & Phil Robertson watching Roots on tv drinking beer

   HURRY WHILE IT LAST LIMITED TIME OFFER!!! I HAVE 2 NON- HANDICAPPED FRONT ROW PARKING SPOTS AT WALMART $50

   Dear Santa....I've been good for the last hour

   Don't make me choke you with this imaginary cell phone cord.

   If I want to give someone a bottle of Scope for Christmas.....Would that be rude

   Guys, just answer truthfully.ur answers may help me in my new year resolutions. Do you think am a "Drunk?"

   Merry Christmas......now that this is out of the way....I can justify the rest of my day with alcohol and shenanigans.

   I heard that Kim Kardashian is looking forward to celebrating Yeezus' birthday today.

   All I want for Christmas is NO MORE GAME REQUESTS!!! Thank you!!

   You can tell a lot about a person by the kind of things they "LIKE" on Facebook.

   one thing's for sure, all those people that always bash atheists won't even bother going to church today