Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was going to buy you a Christmas gift, until I Got High!

   Recent study shows half the teenagers have never sent a letter, I guess a text/email don't count must be all the abbreviations OMG!

   Breaking News! You can "QUIETLY" be a Christian and leave people who believe in something more substantial, believable, reasonable, realistic and is NOT a mere product of mental invention......Learn to stay in your lane dummies.

   Breaking News! You can "QUIETLY" be an Atheist and leave people who believe in something more substantial, believable, reasonable, realistic and is NOT a mere product of mental invention......Learn to stay in your lane dummies.

   Science can't figure out whether an egg is good or bad for you, let alone accurately prove how the universe formed or evolution.

   Duck Commander releases new pen*s shape duck call just in time for the holidays.

   The mega winner says she picked the numbers by her kids birthdays… Please tell me what month has 39 days

   Meanwhile, Mc Fazzerino, (the test tube baby) can spell, and signs his posts instead of hiding behind a blank name field. And is also amused by the fact that someone other than my mom knows my dad's sperm count.

   Justin Bieber says he's quitting music. In related news, the Death Star now has one less reason to destroy Earth..

   What the schnitzel is Duck Dynasty?

   what's twelve inches and makes girls wanna have sex with me? my hunting knife

   I thought this black guy was calling me a disgrace, turns out he was introducing me to his gf Grace

   I bought a Christmas tree today and the guy asked me 'Will you be putting it up yourself?' I told him, 'No, you sicko, it's going in the living room!'

   I slipped on black ice today, it's like regular ice but it steals your wallet afterwards

   I wonder how many awkward first dates Instagram filters have caused.

   I once watched an episode of Duck Dynasty. I can't tell you how upset I was that it wasn't a documentary on Huey, Duey, and Louie.

   Most of my relationships have been long distance on account of all of the restraining orders.

   The Dr. who had examined my wife when she was rushed to the Emergency Room, pulled me aside and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.' I said 'Me neither doc,' ......'But she's a great cook and good with the kids.'

   I would do anything to be hot, except eat healthy and exercise

   I wish boobs did the bra thing without having to wear the bra