Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Climate/Climax same difference, both involve changes in temperature.

   I need a hug and a beer, this climate stuff is stressing me!

   Just throwing this out there... Uncle Si from Duck Dynasty as the new Terminator.... the Siborg

   Great just great...my wife left the seat warmer on in the car now I have to walk around with swamp butt

   He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he knows if you've been bad or good 'cause...Santa works for the NSA.

   Justin Bieber wants to take Paul Walkers place in the new Fast and Furious film. Why doesn't he take his place in the car accident instead?

   Just finished shoveling 6 inches of snow off my lawn. Then I mowed it.

   I always try to see my relatives with love and affection during the Holidays. When I can't I try to see if there is more Bourbon available.

   Vodka works better than Mistletoe at Christmas Parties. That's because with Vodka someone is getting kissed whether they want it or not.

   It would be so much more ''festive" if UPS and FEDEX guys dressed as Santa while delivering packages during the holiday season

   I once won an argument with a woman. This was my only consolation considering after she won the divorce settlement.

   My bartender can beat up your psychiatrist, now pop a pill while I have a drink!

   Jesus and santa are not real. You can live up to a 1,000 year and still never get to meet Jesus.

   I'm not so much offended by what Megyn Kelly says, but I'm offended that someone so dumb and foolish has her own TV show.

   Ugly people withholding sex until the last minute coz they know it’s the only ace in their deck of cards.

   Baby, I'll respect you in the morning if you leave tonight.

   Judging by all these mosquitos passed out and puking on my chest, I've had too much tequila.

   Twitter..the Walmart of social media.

   Soul mate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.

   I am the most dangerous/damaged when I'm quiet. When I'm yelling or b*tching there is still hope.