Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't get mad... get weed.

   I can remember when he was just Lieutenant Tso...when nobody respected his meat..

   I've said it before and I'll say it again: it before

   your reputation in high school doesn't matter once you graduate anyways so why spend 4 years trying to impress people you'll never see again

   when did we replace the word “said” with “was like”

   Knowing sign language is a handy skill when it comes to identifying schizophrenics at famous people's funerals.

   Thinking of the best status to post and nothing funny comes to mind so just pretend this is the funniest status you've read today. - Management

   keep the conversation on my post going,but be sure I'll be deleting it when ts on the climax

   Today is Friday, December 13th. I can't tell you how relieved I am that Christmas isn't on Friday the 13th this year.

   It's Friday the 13th. Good thing I'm not superstitious, it's unlucky to be superstitious...

   Oh com'on Kim Jong everyone has a ''funny uncle'' in the family....don't you think the firing squad was a little harsh???

   I took a poll recently, and 100% of strippers were angry they had nothing to dance on.

   I got this whole Christmas gifting thing on lock!! I bought my mom a fridge for Xmas a few years ago and still to this day every time she opens it....her face lights up

   Q: Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? A: Fo' Drizzle

   "Awe crap" ~ The first thing that goes through your head when "Michael has commented on your status" pops up in your phones notification bar.

   Snow in Egypt! In the dessert! Global warming strikes again!....Al Gore refuses comment

   Egypt Power and Light reports all 10 customers without power...

   Below freezing weather in every state this week, Egypt gets snow, republicans and doubters owe Al Gore an apology regarding climate change, don't they?

   Marriage is hard. Marriage is so hard Nelson Mandela got divorce. He spend 27 years in prison getting tortured and beaten everyday of his life for 27 years. He got out of jail, spent 6 months with his wife, and said. I CANT TAKE THIS SHI%

   Kids today.. I swear they just cant figure shi& out on their own. Its like they need a you tube video to show them how to wipe their As%