Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I burned the bridge between us.. Chance are you gave me the match..

   You know it’s cold outside when you go outside and it’s cold.

   Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are among Barbara Walters' "10 most fascinating people of 2013." In a related story, Barbara has been named one of the "10 most easily fascinated people of 2013."

   The problem with money is too much of it belongs to people who aren’t me.

   MTV has named Miley Cyrus the best artist of 2013. Kinda fitting I guess, since MTV has no idea what music is anymore...

   Do you have that one family member that keeps you away from your other family?

   America, where mediocrity reigns supreme. How else do you explain "our" love affair with The Kardashians, Family Guy, and Dr. Oz?

   Bit Strips. A step up in the minds of those who normally post that they're going to Wal-Mart.

   Anyone can sell things people eat. The Bay leaf salesman is a true salesman!!

   Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at McDonalds... Not funny, grow up.

   I always knew those people signing at major events were just fakes!!!

   The snooze button, because there's nothing like starting your day off with a little procrastination.

   I wish computer companies would design a keyboard with a removable crumb tray, kinda like my toaster

   Why do women like hockey more than men? Because it looks so much like vacuuming!

   I can't tell them apart, was that Milli or Vanilli doing the sign language at Madela's funeral?

   I feel like I'm currently in hell's waiting room.

   The Economist has calculated that the world is 52 trillion dollars in debt. Who on earth does the world owe? Jupiter?!!

   Ever since I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other,it's given me another reason to stare.

   I only wish google could answer things like "what's the name of the lady seated next to me"

   To my unborn children,relax dad is still trying to figure out the best mum for you.You will not suck a TATOOed breast I promise you