Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   50 Shades of Grey - a book for people who don't normally read books or have sex.

   Does anybody else have a plastic bag full of other plastic bags in their house or is it just me???

   Real men who care for, cherish and love a woman faithfully, deserve the butthole at least once..

   I separate women into two categories: 1. Women I would have sex with. 2. Dudes.

   I have a problem with alcohol. I don't get nearly enough of it.

   Tasers, but for people who listen to Christmas music in October. Or talk before noon.

   Wouldn't it be cool if cell phones came with built-in tasers?

   Let's be honest,, At some point, you'd think there'd be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City's penitentiaries.

   I don't like morning people. Or mornings. Or people.

   So they dropped the charges against that Florida State QB? I guess they didn't find enough Seminole fluid...

   that all you got? Come on Mother Nature, put your big girl panties on!!

   What does it make me if I put Nutella on this brown sugar & cinnamon poptart? A genius... The correct answer is genius.

   RIP Nelson Mandela, your 'I have a dream' speech touched me - Paris Hilton

   If you're happy and you know it clank your chains.

   People who drive slower up hills know how cars work,,, right?

   My sister is adopted,, but I like to tell people she's "a rescue".

   If I was dyslexic,, I totally would've won Powerball last night.

   Some people need to calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.

   Dear God: If we can have Paul Walker back you can have Justin Beiber and Miley Cyrus.

   Body builder/ figure competitor women do not have the body of a man. They have the face of one.