Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My credit score looks like the speed limit!

   I gave my wife a couple of credit cards and now my credit score is lower than the speed limit

   I'm doing laundry for the whole family. (Not my family - I'm at my neighbors. They're going to be very surprised.)

   Went to Walmart for some toilet paper but they were wiped out...

   Okay can we only go through one day of Mandela jokes instead of the 3 days of Paul Walker????? Thanks!

   The Good news is that now Tokyo Drift is only the SECOND worst thing to happen to the F&F Franchise.

   I ''unfriend" you on Facebook when your Birthday Reminder comes up and I realize I don't interact with you ever....

   There are givers and takers in this world... Takers eat better, givers sleep better

   What did the firefighter at Paul Walker's crime scene say first " Well Ladies & Gentlemen, Mr. Walker is still one of the hottest guys in Hollywood "

   RIP Mandela. I watched and loved all your movies.

   It's hard to get positive here for Nelson Mandela jokes, I guess you all were born in South Africa!

   If you think my jokes are bad, you should see my choice in women.

   Well its December. Time to spend an hour putting up the Christmas tree and 16 hours fighting with the wife about it.

   I don't try to annoy people; its just a gift.

   Guys: if you take your girl back after she cheats on you, you're a little b*tch.

   The only drinking problem I have is, I DON'T have a drink !

   The secret to success is in my bra.

   MANGOES (n): wherever woman goes.

   The scariest thing about dating is that you either break-up or get married.

   Just logged into Twitter instead of Facebook and I now feel like I shouted out the wrong name in bed.