Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait

   I’m sorry I don’t meet your expectations but I think you should give me some credit for excelling at disappointing you.

   I don't know if curiosity ever really killed any cats, but I once smashed a beer mug on a guy's head for asking my age.

   The nice thing about living in the southern states is that "He needed killing" is a valid legal defense here.

   You're not a true drama queen until people start making popcorn when they see you walking down the street.

   I try to live each day like it's my last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry b/c hey, who wants to do laundry on the last day of their lives??

   Dear Curiousity: Just please put down the gun and let's talk this out. -The Cat

   "Hey Baby, My Magic watch says you don't have any underwear on" "Oh, You do?" "It must be 15 Minutes fast ' :)

   My girlfriend wants to get married. I hope she finds someone nice.

   Based on what politicians say it appears they care more about my future than I do.

   hard to believe that gangnam style was the top song this time last year

   Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies are the reasons I have trust issues.

   Breastfed men are better lovers, everyone knows that.

   I don't just say crazy things on the internet, I do that in real life too.

   You call the shots. I'll drink them.

   My coffee mug can hold it's liquor better than yours.

   I've finally found Jesus. My turn to hide.

   When I have to choose between " the lesser of two evils"...I want both of them

   gonna try out a new yoga position alone in my bed tonight it's called the bermuda cryangle

   I think it's time I find the right one to settle down with. By right one I mean a bottle of whiskey and by settle down with I mean drunk.