Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   BREAKING: PETA releases shock video of tiger, caught by toe, being detained despite hollering.

   Just saw a store that already has Easter decorations out

   Cringing in regret is my cardio

   I just called. To say. I texted you.

   So, which one of you is going to be the subject of your local news' annual turkey fryer accident story?

   "If you've been hurt in a car wreck you need someone who will fight to get you the money you deserve. I will pee on your bed." - cat lawyer

   I wear my heart on my sleeve and my lunch on the entire front part.

   Protip: If your turkey tastes like bird flavored jello, it is undercooked.

   If knowing is half the battle, maybe its time to admit that you are losing the war.

   I am black and I still think Kanye West is the biggest Douche of the Century!

   I want to see a volcano erupt because I have an interest in geology. I want to see one erupt under your house because you're an a$$hole

   When in doubt, take a nap.

   Even if I had an antidote for fixing stupid people I won't cure them, why should I kill the entertainment of my life.

   Took my girlfriend window shopping. She’s just looking at a bunch of shoes we haven’t even bought a window yet :(

   My secret special ingredient herb for my stuffing is, Marijuana. . .

   The president pardoned a turkey yesterday...shouldn't it be the other way around?

   PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Please be careful and chew your food,,, More people choke on Thanksgiving than on any other day.. . * unless you're a Denver Bronco,, cause you already choked last Sunday night

   Have may stretch pants on.....do you?

   PRO TIP: For the Olympics,, If you plant a bunch of Doritos in the ground and water them every day with Red Bull, you can grow your very own Shaun White

   Day 28: I am thankful for the fact that I do not have to see your 28 days of thankful posts for another year