Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Rock died in 90s. Very few bands rock these days.

   People are just waiting to get offended. I'm offended that you're allowed to breathe. :-)

   Every girl's diary is a Yelp review of your sexual performance.

   Behind every man with great s tatus you pdates is either a beautiful woman who has inspired him or destroyed him.

   Some people are just a waste of bandwidth.

   My wife says she is going to leave me if I don't stop drinking so much. See? There are benefits to being an alcoholic.

   On the day before Thanksgiving, I am thankful for Small Pox....if not for that, my house wouldn't be where it is. (Too Soon?)

   If your bellybutton jewelry touches the person you’re hugging before you do…you shouldn’t have bellybutton jewelry.

   Funniest thing I heard while working in ER.. "What was he doing with his pen*s in a dogs mouth anyway?

   Someday health nuts are going to look awful stupid laying in a hospital dying from nothing.

   Getting a clementine full of seeds is like getting a piece of fish full of bones.

   Since when does CBS care about facts? Aren't these the same people who on e tried to prove a story with "computer printed" documents, from the "1960ies."

   I'm currently toying with the idea of having an idea.

   I used to have a life outside of work. Now I have a wife outside of work.

   If you love your farts you have to let them go.

   All this negativity in the world and I still remain Positive! -Magic Johnson

   Jingle Bells, Dalek smells, the Doctor saved the day. Oh what joy it was to see him saving Gallifrey.

   I'd rather shower with my parents than go shopping on Black Friday...

   I bought some sparkly wrapping paper thinking it was like a simulated sparkly kind. It is actually made out of sparkles. Well, now my floor, face, hands, clothes and kid look like Diamond Cherry Serenity & Candi came over to my house after the strip club.

   100% of all divorces began with getting married...