Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Like a good neighbor.... Drive by & wave. Do NOT stop to talk.

   I'm confident, but not 'use the middle urinal when there's 2 black guys pissing either side of me' confident.

   Always believe a woman when she says, "you don't really wanna know"

   I'm just practicing my arrogance in case I get rich one day.

   i want to be the reason you forget to feed your cats

   When I hear the phrase 'going viral' I automatically assume herpes is involved at some point.

   I continue to be a loser while everyone else around me succeeds. It must be the government and poor peoples fault.

   We crush the caterpillars,,, then complain there are no butterflies.

   My posts offend you??... Well,, You're probably the same person that said cookie monster made your kid fat... Or Pluto wasn't a planet..

   :"SH! Football is on". ~ said no Girl ever.

   Boys are so much easier to raise... Soda,chips,videos games.. And open the door once a week to make sure they're still breathing and your good

   If life gives you melons... get a good sports bra.

   Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?.. Me: Siri, why did this cop pull me over? .. *gets distracted driving ticket*

   No, YOU seem to be around whenever there's trouble, officer.

   I never finish anything.... I have a black belt in partial arts.

   for all you moaning about the pledge of allegiance being taken out of schools I don't see them saying it in church and isn't that where gods at?

   its national fart on your kid day

   and the most popular girl at a nudist colony is the one that can eat the last doghnut!

   My wife has yet to figure out the correlation between her excessive conditioner usage and my super soft weiner…

   If you ask your new GF for a sandwich and she brings you Oreos, she's a keeper!!