Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cutest thing I saw today was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently.

   Fun Fact: Even though they call it a "man hole", you can shove women and children down it just fine.

   Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope's car.

   Okay, 45-year-old divorced women on Facebook who are "LUV'N' LIFE!" Calm down. We get it.

   Nothing tests human willpower more than your phone vibrating in your pocket while someone is telling a story.

   The worst part about someone asking how you've been is when you realize, "Oh, great. Now I have to ask about you."

   Just used my Dollar General receipt to build a really cool fort for the kids.

   They call it "work" for a reason. If it was fun, they'd call it "play" and you would pay them.

   When are the winter special olympics??

   Confucius say: Woman who keep husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

   Excuse me miss.... Can I test drive your vulva?

   My wife just yelled that I pay more attention to Facebook than I do to her, or at least that's what I think she said to me....

   [You're choking]:---- I have two choices: Do I perform the Hiemlich Manuever or should I just stand there and pray for you?.........Science: 1 , Religion: -10

   I love it when someone takes a good joke and make it even better. Keep it up guys.

   To drink or not to drink!? What a stupid question!

   m old enough to remember when the lamest thing in the world was to take pictures of yourself, like you had no friends

   Never cut off the minivans, they have nothing to live for.

   George Zimmerman is getting dangerously close to the 8 strike law.

   It's Friday night. I'm writing this and you're reading it. We're both sad.

   Sick and tired of the Dr. Phil test!!! BTW, I scored a 47.