Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I think I can get you a dollar....You gotta be quicker than that" - Geico Fisherman Guy Commercial

   The people who whine about cell phones don't remember how much pointless staring at people there was in the 1990s.

   I know the voices aren't real but they have some great ideas.

   I used to make fun of my dog for barking at dogs on TV until I caught myself in the car pulling over for a siren on the radio.

   My wife and I are pretty upset. It looks like someone broke in and surfed porn on my computer. They didn't touch anything else, so that's good.

   You ever look at someone and daydream about them in the most erotic way....yeah that was me today dreaming about my female co-worker shutting the eff up and fixing me a sandwich to eat......

   I had to switch to the Ipad to see what you wrote on FB.....I just turn it on, and I could of sworn I saw a middle finger come up at the beginning of the screen before it died again...

   I was caught by surprise at the free concert Miley Cyrus was giving in my local town center. It took me 20 minutes to realize it was just Justin Bieber in panty hose.

   I used to jog, but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

   Smiles are contagious.....so is Herpes.

   You should appreciate what you have before it becomes what you had.... unless it's an s.t.d.

   We need voter ID but we need voter IQ even more!

   What I learned by watching Storage Wars: A box of $hit is worth seventy five bucks and a sack of $hit is only worth fifty.

   I see your Zimmerman and raise you a Casey Anthony

   t amazes me that Playboy have explored the idea of making pop-up books yet.

   George Zimmerman has been back and forth to jail for murder, battery, gun charges and now assault and Still keeps getting bail!?!? The Florida justice system is an embarrassment

   Just anounced if you own a MAC you can now access the Obamacare website

   If you have crazy friends, you have everything.

   "George W. Bush is nicknamed '43' because he was the 43rd President of the United States. Barrack Obama is nicknamed '44' because that is how many people have signed up for Obamacare."

   sometimes I think love is like bigfoot......other people claim they have seen it & experienced it but I don't think I ever will