Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Explaining to a woman why she's wrong is the most difficult thing in the world.

   God made men. But sandwiches weren't going to make themselves. So God made women.

   What do you call a girl who expects a guy to do everything for her, make all the first moves, and text her first every day? SINGLE

   Miley Cyrus puts the Ho in hottie

   I had 3 happy meals today and none of them worked.

   12 things about me. 7- I can't count.

   PS4? Pshhhhh…. When I was a kid I had to blow into my video games to get them to work.

   Male Version: Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Female Version: Why buy the whole pig when you just want a little sausage?

   Male version: why buy the camel when you can get the toe for free?

   Anyone who's says, "It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all", has obviously never gone through a divorce.

   Why buy the camel when you can get the toe for free ...

   I sat in my stand for hours with not one deer coming by. Then in a matter of minutes, I bag 4 big bucks! Thanks to the Deer Hunter Game, my morning wasn't a total loss.

   "If you like your insurance, you can keep it" is the new "I did not have sεx with that woman, Monica Lewinski" Only difference is now millions and millions of Americans are being taken advantage of by a sneaky guy in the Oval Office ...

   Wishing all my friends a joyous, happy, and prosperous New Year. (If retail stores can jump the gun....)

   What happens in her mouth, Stays in her mouth.

   Guys: I like you Girls: What does that mean? Who else have you said that to? Put a baby in me. Women: Thanks

   Just think of me as the guy next door. With a telescope.

   Since you were smiling when you tazed me, I'm guessing we still have a chance.

   Money and traditional infidelity are still the top 2 reasons for divorce but Facebook can't be far behind.

   I don't get why women panic over taking pregnancy tests. I would've jumped at the chance of peeing on all my tests when I was in school