Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women must hate dying because all ghosts have to dress in the same white outfit. Even the ones they hate.

   3 people everyone hates: - Anyone asking questions when a meeting is about to end - Anyone who holds the elevator for anyone - Kanye West

   Dinosaurs probably just killed themselves because the Flintstones used them as dishwashers.

   At no point in "I love you no matter what you look like" did I insinuate "keep eating pie for breakfast."

   There's no such thing as a straight guy with a bedazzled cellphone.

   I'm going to have to lose 10 pounds if I want to fit into this coffin I bought.

   Hey lady in the other car, eating and talking on your cell phone. It's called a Ford Focus...not a Ford Multi-task

   You gotta walk the walk to type the type.

   You should think about donating blood,,,,, All of it

   I hope the next Rambo movie is called 'Rambo No. 5' and its just Stallone dancing through the jungle shooting a little bit of this and that.

   Lately, I have really begun to appreciate the versatility of the word "asshat".

   ME TEXTING: Be there in 5 minutes... If I'm not there in 5 minutes, read this text again

   Where is Nixon? I'm longing for some honesty!

   Every chair is a reclining chair if you don't understand what reclining mean.

   Trust me sir across from me at the gym. If I were interested, you would have "accidentally" seen my butthole by now.

   I saw a man with a pony tail running down the street so I’m guessing there’s an angry iguana somewhere waiting to be fed its dinner.

   God: You finish all 11 commandments? Moses: About the 11th one... God: What? Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself? God: Fine, 10.

   If a woman offers to buy you a drink, stay calm and enjoy. This is a rare magical species of female named Coolus Chickitus. A gift from the Universe.

   I thought gang bangs were a group of people with the same haircut.

   SPOILER ALERT!!! Trent Richardson's sex tape is acually a series of tapes which average less than 2.9 minutes. Trent never busts a long one and he often struggles to find the hole.