Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Eventually everything will be offensive and we'll go back to living in caves.

   I sneezed pretty bad, mid-dump, and ended up 6 minutes in the future.

   This night m'lady and I will intertwine our love in the haunting glow of the moon, and maybe she'll let me stick it in her pooper.

   Every 7 seconds a fat girl confuses post-it notes for Kraft singles.

   All those things on Morgan Freeman's face are the missing pieces of Seal's face.

   Why are we not using science to combine animals? Don’t you want a Mouselion friend chillin in your shirt pocket doing tiny adorable roars?

   At first glance, the word "Diputseromneve" looks confusing and retåřded. However, if you read it backwards it's even more stupid.

   That one password you use for everything and if anyone ever figured it out they could single-handedly ruin your entire life.

   Wiki leaks: kraby patty secret formula

   *Buys a 3D printer... *With the 3D printer, prints a 3D printer... *Returns the origional 3D printer

   NEWS FLASH: The mother who injected her 8 year old daughter with Botox looses custody... *The child didn't look surprised.

   Spilling a full drink you just paid for is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon.

   Saw someone try and park a car for about 10 minutes. I didn’t see the person so I’m not going to assume what gender she was.

   I am really looking forward to my favorite Thanksgiving tradition. Watching the "Black Friday" shoppers at Walmart trampling each other on the evening news.

   He was so creepy, his van had a basement.

   I don’t judge people based on color, race, religion, sexuality, or gender…I base it on whether or not they’re an as$hole.

   Why talk when you can type?

   One time I put my phone in my pocket and didn’t take it out for like almost 5 minutes.

   I turn down my radio to park my car.

   Just shut up already. If I wanted to hear your opinion all the time I would have married you !