Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am thankful for bean dip. The wife is thankful for air-freshener.

   If there is water in a watermelon, then whats in a kumquat?

   Men are born with a gene that allows them to know what the hell is going on in movies.

   My beard itches, Web MD: Beard cancer

   I only have two feelings, it's either "I'm hungry" or "I shouldn't have eaten this much"

   Dogs are perfect napkins because they just think you're petting them.

   I'm late on the give thanks every day in November thing... so let me catch up. Days 1-6. I'm thankful for boobs

   Took a girl to starbucks because I forgot her name!

   Yes, tell me about the time you were cool. I love fiction.

   Wait! So you're saying there are women out there that like having the sex?

   what I do when I black out is none of my business.

   If you're a girl and drinks Vodka... there's a high probability, I love you.

   Dear Obama, Have you tried sending a mix tape to Syria? Try Africa by Toto. Nobody can resist Africa by Toto.

   Remember when white folks went crazy and started planking? That was some weird sh*t. I would rather watch them dance than plank.

   You break her jaw we break your legs...and arms...and back.

   My living room is pretty much a fat camp without rules.

   I'm actually a pretty normal person when you ignore the faint cries for help coming from my basement.

   You're unemployed and not looking for work; put down the energy drink.

   Dear guys named Jeff spelled like Geoff, what do you want from us?

   Day 6 - I'm grateful that if I like my health care plan, that I get to keep it. Period.