Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ou know what material this is?" [Grab your shirt] "Boyfriend material"

   "Those 4 words that will get any girl into bed with you. 'I won the lottery'." This recipe is for poor girls.

   " My life is like a never-ending episode of The Walking Dead where nothing happens but somehow everything is f*cked. " Girlfriend!

   We met on Christian Mingle,, and our baby was born 6 months later

   I'm home by myself this evening. My wife is out at Kohl's buying another load of laundry.

   Being a reasonable man,, I pointed to the door, suggesting the spider leave immediately and peacefully

   Did Da Bears really just march into Green Bay and beat the Pack, just wanted to Daaable Check

   Repaired a vacuum the other day. It was easy,,, I just stuck one of Scotty's jokes on it... Now it sucks just fine

   We live in a society that's the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.

   How can you complain for 11 months then be thankful on Facebook for 30 days???

   At funerals instead of crying, I tie the dead person’s shoe laces together. It’s not stupid. What if he comes back as a zombie?

   I'm starting to think mosquitoes just land on our faces not to suck blood but to see how stupid we look when we slap ourselves.

   Nothing is as scary as logging into Facebook and seeing someone you were secretly with last night has uploaded a new album.

   "Let me make your morning" - coffee

   Don't you just sometimes start a conversation with someone and halfway through you regret the day you've met them?

   When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.

   The human heart has four chambers : Rumpus room, Tradesmans Entrance, Wine Cellar and Guest Bedroom

   The phrase “I don’t get women” has two different meanings depending on your marital status.

   To make sure everyone cries at my funeral, I'm requesting they play nothing but Creed and Nickleback through factory car speakers.

   Dance like nobody's watching. Sing like nobody's listening. Post like your life is marginally more interesting than it is in actuality.