Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ladies, I am looking for a squirter. I meant squirt gun, I am looking for a female squirt gun

   Our #1 problem in this country is that nobody wants to take responsibility for anything ...but please don't quote me!

   Since the Jonas brothers break up.. they've come to an agreement to see each other during the holidays. . .

   Judging by the music and decorations at Walmart we're only 3 days away from Fox News War on Christmas season.

   the only tatoos I would ever consider are quotation marks between my lips

   Saturday night is my favorite time of the year.

   Let's just have sex.. I don't need another friend.

   In a perfect world, men would get the silent treatment anytime they requested it.

   If there's no morning sex, don't wake me up.

   Picture someone robbing you. Congratulations you're a racist.

   When I die I'm going to go to heaven and God is going to be like nope, remember what you said on Facebook

   Women... Most of the time we don't get you anyway, so no need to be all covert with your weird sh*t. Just be weird and sexy.

   Fellas, when she babbles on passionately about nothing, pay attention as closely as if she were stark naked, and soon, she just might be.

   I really miss my younger days because I was a lot less closer to death.

   The GOP is like your wise old Grandad who stands up, voices pearls of wisdom and genius, and then pees his pants.

   BREAKING NEWS: North Korea shoots sky...... Misses.

   everyone is crazy but me and you and I'm beginning to wonder a little bit about you

   Don't forget to Spring ahead this Sunday!

   pumpkin for sale, slightly used

   So UM versus FSU game is on tonight....who cares...Im still rooting for the Referee and there stupid calls!! Team Referee...REFs 31 stupid calls to 3 right calls!