Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I got a discount on a bunch of Cardinal World Series shirts.. I save a lot of money and it wasn't on car insurance. . .

   You can lead a horse to water but I'd rather ride it to the liquor store.

   Women will remember everything you say and do. Especially those things you don't want them to remember.

   Im surprised kids haven't found a way to trick or treat online yet

   I have a thing for haters. It's called a middle finger.

   For every guy that's participating in, "No shave November", I just want to let you know that it will also be, "No pu$$y November" for you as well.

   free candy and football. my kinda Thursday

   alone with my thoughts and 8 lbs of reeses cups and kit kats

   When you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It's only painful and difficult for others. The same applies when you are stupid.

   Someone said to me "I can never think of anything important or interesting to say on Facebook." I told them not to worry"

   Apparently the perfect Obamacare plan for a guy like me includes birth control pills, maternity leave, abortions. And transgender operations. In case I want to take advantage of these services...

   you're so old; you were an eye witness to the birth of agriculture.

   My boss asked me why I wasn't working today. I dont him I was going as Obama Care for Halloween

   I wonder what Rob Ford is handing out for treats tonight....

   Match.com. #1 in dates, marriages, divorces and restraining orders...

   I taught my neighbors kid how to trick or treat online, hopefully she puts her mothers credit card back!

   I have a cell phone a Ipad a laptop, stop sending me reminders to turn my clocks back...it's called automatic updates!

   The Scariest thing I saw on Halloween is the Dolphins playing the Bengals!

   If someone toilet papered my house tonight tht would be great because we're out of toilet paper

   People are more violently opposed to fur than leather probably because it's safer to harass rich women than Hell's Angels