Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I never know how much Cream of Wheat to make for the trick or treaters.

   Ok word of advice ladies. a muffin top might be kinda cute but if you have a 3 tier cake top please don't go out side. you scare people. just sayin.

   A costume and matching shoes later, my child owes me about $50 worth of candy..

   I spend too much money on food to afford any diet program...

   Some of these Giraffe profile pictures are a vast improvement.

   The Red sox need "Just for men" for their beards!

   What if I'm awake? The answer might be outside the "door".

   Facebook went from the Cartoon network to the New Zoo review

   "Eyes" and you don't have to use a giraffe picture!

   Any teenager who is anxious to run his or her own life is obviously too young to do it.

   No use in complaining about life, you were the fastest sperm, this is your reward. . .

   I've been looking for an inventive way to get rid of all the worthless telephone books that get dumped at my door step every year so....."Trick Or Treat" kiddos!!!

   THEY'RE going THERE with THEIR friends…it's not rocket science. Unless they're going to the moon, then it IS rocket science!

   On This day in 1918 Transylvania unites with Romania. Locals stay up all night to celebrate. Then return to their coffins just before dawn

   Tempus fugit: The Karate Kid (Ralph Macchio) is the exact same age today as Mr. Miyagi (Pat Morita) was the day Karate Kid opened in theaters.

   Ralph Macchio is 50. Pat Morita was 52 when the Karate Kid opened,,,,fact check next time!

   The most pathetic thing I read in the news today is that: The Jonas Brothers Break Up. That's F - N funny, Umm they're brothers. . .

   Sometimes we've gotta, nod, agree and giggle. (in that exact order)

   I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life if I die on Friday.

   A Relationship is like poker, if you don't have a partner you better have a good hand.