Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I were the President, I'd create the Adorable Care Act, where every American would get a free puppy.

   One day, as a little boy, I wrote to Santa Clause. "Please send me a little brother." Santa Clause wrote me back,,, "Ok, send me your mother."

   What I call morning wood, you're gonna call breakfast in bed.

   "I don't feel good." -James Brown's last words.

   She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.

   WrestleMania III in the Detroit suburb of Pontiac, Michigan was the highest-attended indoor sports event in the world, with 93,173 fans in attendance.

   so batman, superman, and spiderman just unfriend me because the giraffe riddle offended them.

   Ringing in the “New Year” apparently is not a valid excuse for showing up to work 3 hours late… in October.

   Chris Brown may have beat Rihanna but he has been arrested again for another beating outside a D.C. hotel and he's not even an elected official.

   I'm not a Dr. or a Nutritionist, but I'm pretty sure the worst thing you can put into any high fat/ high calorie dish is your fork.

   If I ever leave this country(Nigeria) and anybody asks, I'm denying under oath that I'm Nigerian.

   "Laws should be like clothes. They should be made to fit the people they serve.

   Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I've done in my entire life.

   So am I on Facebook or is everyone updating their Sports Annalist resume?

   its sports analyst. if you are gonna make fun of people don't give them material for a comeback

   I had 'that talk' with my son last night. The one about drugs. You know, the one where I tell him I smoke pot

   I'm sorry for ruining your life & turned you off to men forever, but please accept this cat as a parting gift. - Me after every first date

   I have a bad temper which means lots of make up sex and "I'm sorry" blow jobs. Who wants to date me?

   Can't believe 60 Minutes did a whole report on Benghazi w/out interviewing the jerk who's anti-Islam movie got some many people killed...

   I tried to log on to the Obamacare website today. I don’t think I'm doing it right. I lost 300 bucks playing Texas Hold 'Em.