Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Join the rev al sharpton and boycott Barney's

   Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?

   To thrive in life you need three bones. A wishbone. A backbone. And a funny bone.

   I don't understand how a cemetery can raise its funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living.

   A CIVIL war is where people are nice and polite to each other “Excuse me kind sir, would you mind having your head chopped off?”

   Doc: Do you sleep with your contacts? Me: Only the pretty ones.

   I question guys right in the middle of sex, like: 'Are you enjoying this? Have I been courteous & kind? Would you recommend me to a friend if we ever break up?'

   If Jesus did jokes and not parables he’d probably have more than 12 followers.

   son, I checked your internet history the other day. it was completely empty, which can only mean one thing. why don't you use the internet?

   Life is just better when you're laughing.

   A hot woman telling me about her boyfriend is like setting money on fire in front of a homeless person.

   As long as I can still scare white folks, I'm not a sellout.

   I'm an adult, but not "pay my bills on time" adult.

   When the apocalypse comes soy sauce & ketchup packets WILL be our currency. Otherwise I've been collecting these for nothing

   My internet connection failed all afternoon and I had to open a book and read it ...like a wild animal.

   R.I.P. Lou Reed... hope you're now taking a walk on the wild side....

   Lady Gaga, Justin Bieber and Nicki Minaj jump off the Empire State Building. Who hits first?......Who cares?

   Kitchen Tip: Black currants resemble mouse turds but have a subtly different flavor... Substitute freely for turds in any recipe. *Martha Stuart Little*

   I pooped all over myself, can I NOW collect a Dallas Cowboys paycheck?

   Love is often thought of as an emotion that takes time to develop. In reality, love is just a seed that gets planted. It grows when nourished. Fortunately in my case, my seed is a microwave popcorn seed ...