Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife actually questioned whether or not I really listen to her while the TV is on. I can't believe she actually interrupted the game just to tell me that.

   Don't keep asking me why I am silent. I'll talk to you when I have something to say. Okay?

   If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal.

   Women are not allowed to drive in Saudi Arabia. That explains the low accident rates.

   I don't want to set the world on fire........just you.

   Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one

   Anything that says, don't take with alcohol, I'm probably gonna take it with alcohol. That's how you make medicine fun, kids.

   I hate sneezing during sex, as it alerts the neighbours and lets them know I'm watching.

   Obama needs my dope mans friend, brothers little cousin help to fix his Obamacare site, he's pretty f__king good, if you get him high...

   You know you're reached old age when you go to walmart for fiber supplements only to realize you had your blinker on the whole time...

   I like walking in wally world an catching someone staring at me..I turn real quick and stare right back at them with my big eyes and when they look away I yell (I WIN) and high Five myself!!!!

   Kenny Rogers said "You've got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, and know when to run"... I'm pretty sure he was talking about women, not cards.

   Obamacare: Just another government handout; this time forcing the funding by tax payers through the threat of penalties for non-compliance.

   Thank you for the $50 gift card to Whole Foods. I will cherish this organic apple.

   Please don't leave the light on for me, Motel 6.... I don't want anyone to see me here.

   You sir,,, Are a "lactose intolerant person with bee allergies".. In my, "Land of Milk & Honey"..

   Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they said *how* the person died.

   How many of you have gotten into some serious trouble with your partner because of a comment made by some wayward fool on your FB status or wall?

   It has been 24hours since I downloaded BBM on my android phone and still not a single woman has hit on me yet. I thought BBM is where all the sluts are at.

   I am unable to quit as I am currently too legit.