Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you said coke I assumed you meant cocaine. No thank you. Soda is bad for you.

   I wish I had half the respiratory health and vitality that my dog does. She smells everyone's a$$ and still never catches a cold.

   Why do we have silencers for guns but not for boxes of movie theater candy?

   Adam ate the apple, and our teeth still ache.

   Every morning I try something new, but only because the coffee barista cannot get my order right.

   Everyone has awesome boobs in their bitstrip

   Bitstrip has taught me one thing.... My friends are entirely incapable of being funny.... even in cartoons.

   We need naked bitstrip cartoon people if this is going to work. Just my opinion.

   Pro tip:When women want to be held, hold em When they're sad, love em When they're drunk, try for butthole. It's easier when they're drunk \ :D /

   Pro tip:When women want to be held, hold em When they're sad, love em When they're drunk, try for butthole. It's easier when they're drunk \ :D /

   Happy birthday to the microwave oven. As The very first domestic model was introduced 58 years ago today, by the Tappan stove company in Mansfield, Ohio.Formally known as Tappan @ss LLC.

   79% of accidents happen in the home....... Finally, good news for the homeless

   Just drank a 'coffee to go' while sitting. Screw the system!

   I give ulcers,... I don't get them

   Plain girls want to save dogs. Hot girls want to save wolves.

   I suggested to a girl who listed her relationship as "It's Complicated", to allow me come over and add to the complication.

   No matter how loud the game is on downstairs, a man always hears the sound of a bra hitting the floor upstairs.

   I'm dumb. I thought an emu was when you sent someone a cow via cyber mail.

   Heads up, peeps. There are over 700 fake Obamacare sites ready to swipe your info. Pro tip: The real site is the one that doesn't work...

   Life stopped handing us lemons and started giving us reasons to drink instead