Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Be the change you wish the homeless people didn't know you had

   If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats. Then go look at Facebook for about 10 minutes.

   Rumors: Well at least you're spreading something else besides your legs.

   Her: Do you think I'm pretty? Me: Honey, I lick you where babies come out...thats how much pretty I think you are.

   She asked me to kiss her like it was the first time either of us had ever kissed so I headbutted her, bit her lip twice and came in my pants

   Michael Jackson has been dead a long time but moonwalking still makes people uncomfortable at children's parties.

   In South Africa we have a president named Jacob Zuma, do you know him?

   I just heard that my ex-wife has started dating again,,, and here I am with no popcorn.

   Mac & Cheese doesn't contain many vitamins, so it's important you always eat a bunch of it.

   First 20 mins of my day: I don't wanna get in the shower, I don't wanna get in the shower. Next 20 mins of my day: I don't wanna get out of the shower, I don't wanna get out of the shower...

   Finally! A White House official was fired! A Benghazi official? No... IRS? No... Fast and Furious? Over the AP or James Rosen? HHS? No, no, no, and no. Jofi Joseph, fired for having a fake twitter acct.How dare he!

   Since Kanye couln't get Kim a start on Hollywood he put on her hand. Must be nice to be RICH you arragant crap rapper!!

   Be strong, I whispered to my wifi signal.

   Wait... are Republicans mad at Obama because his website isn't good enough at doing a thing they hate?

   Kanye West spent nearly $3,000,000 to propose to Kim. Let that sink in for a moment.

   Note to future husband: reserve Comerica Park for proposal.

   Even if I hit the gym hard, the best I could hope for is to be 1950's Tarzan shape.

   This is actually Kanye West's second marriage, as he's been divorced from reality for many years now.

   Kanye West speaks about his recent engagement to Kim Kardashian... "I just can't wait for her to take my First name."

   Next Easter falls on 4/20. If that's not a sign from God that weed should be legalized, I don't know what is.