Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm convinced that the employees of Ikea were just used to be customers who didn't know how to get out and just gave up.

   I judge how my week is going by how many times I've had to sit down in my shower.

   I just got kicked out of a Whole Foods for wearing deodorant.

   I'm not bringing sexy back. I'm the reason sexy left in the first place.

   Life didn't hand me lemons. I picked them myself.

   You're aying, "There’s a monkey that’s an astronaut but you’re just some guy writing jokes for strangers on the Internet." َ A loyal stranger is better than a greedy and two faced friend.

   Why won't anyone in my trailer watch ET with me????

   I find it ironic that Arnold Schwarzenegger wants to alter the Constitution to enable him to run for President...an office in which the very oath thereof states "...PRESERVE, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States."

   Hell has no fury like an ugly woman when she gets power.

   Wat does this mean? "When I see an ugly obese woman pushing a cart full of kids in a store, I immediately think "Who keeps fuck!ng you?" Mild obesity is not hereditary like ugliness.

   walk into a crowded room release a silent fart ten immediately say "Do you smell Popcorn?"........sit back and watch the laughs

   do the indianapolis colts play at home this week? anybody?

   If I pass you my phone to see a photo and you scroll through my other pics, they'll never find your body.

   A psychology study suggests that when you are single, all you see are happy couples, When you are committed, you see happy singles.

   Do you know why you’re pressing unlike button that many every day; because, most of time, people are talking and thinking of their own interests.

   Maybe if the crowed showed a bit of appreciation and stopped t-rollin contributors maybe there would be more funny material for you to copy and paste to your FB.

   There are only two types of women in this world: 1) Those who love sex just as much as men do. 2) Liars.

   Doggy Style. Because it gives me perfect platform to keep my laptop and finish my work.

   You can't fix stupid but you can avoid dating it.

   I'm married and have two girls. I've been without power for 10 years.