Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pro Tip: If your EBT Card is declined because of the government shutdown GET A PHUGGING JOB!

   Neighbors just complained about the sex noise coming from our house last night. Well, the jokes on them cause I wasn't even home last night.

   I need a toothpick to remove this prius that is stuck on the grill of my hummer

   I think Walmart needs a new parking sign "Just Lazy"

   This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, "Would you please press 1?" So I did. I don't remember much afterwards.

   Kiss me," she said, "kiss me like you've never kissed me before". So I stuck my tongue in her nostril.

   Quit complaining abt Obama n stuff, WALKING DEAD4 premiers today n I can't see cos I lstay in Nigeria

   t's not that I mind the neighbors cadaver dog....it's just that when it's digging in my backyard, it can get a little awkward.

   But Officer, I wasn't tailgaing. I was drafting.

   Canadian Thanksgiving tip #43: The meal isn't over until you hate yourself.

   Life would be better if squirrels liked sitting on our shoulders. You can’t be sad with a cool squirrel friend on your shoulder.

   When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he's homeless or just tired from breakdancing.

   How long are we gonna joke about the government shutting down and pretend like Skynet didn’t just go online?

   Got an anxiety attack when I first heard DC was shutting down. Then I breathed a sigh of relief when I realized it wasn’t the comic books.

   National no bra day wasn't as successful as the creators had hoped. due to sagging attendants and lack of support.

   You know how drivers convicted of DUI have those breathalyzer ignition locks? Some people need this for their smartphones, facebook, twitter, etc.

   I wonder. Is it considered non-kosher to watch a Kevin Bacon movie?

   Don't die a virgin. Terrorist are up there waiting for you...

   Thanks, commercials. Thanks to you, handing my wife a Snickers has become a "statement."

   A JOB you say? You mean when the person @ the top (CEO) makes the most money, then the vice-president below, then middle management, then store managers/supervisors, then the hard-working employees at the bottom. Hmmm looks like a pyramid scheme to me.